Two months ago I wanted to kill myself.
I have been on the awakening journey for six years and the higher the points of light that I experienced, the more urgent my desire to die.
There are several theories as to why that happens. Here is my own.
I think the light in my heart awakening to absolute, unconditional love is in perfect contrast to the conditions and circumstances of my relationship with the world.
To me, this world is based on anything and everything but love.
Love is so rare here, it’s sometimes impossible to find for the average person and that knowing in my heart of what it’s supposed to be like and the daily reminders that it’s not, cause an almost unbearable pressure. Most people in my surroundings have two sides. The side that is kind, laughing, and gentle. The side we like to show the world because that’s how we are supposed to be all the time.
The other side that comes out from people in my surroundings is when their pain, fear, insecurity, and worthlessness get triggered. This is the side of conflict, drama, screams, slamming doors, and tears.
Why this duality?
Why do we only show the world our happy side?
Why do we abandon ourselves in our pain?
Because we have been taught that love is conditioned on acceptable behaviour. Unconditional love doesn’t exist at a structural level in our cellular memory of our life.
Pressure is painful. Pressure reminds you of you experiences with love here and how painful they have been. From your earliest childhood memories to the relationships with your friends, your partners, your work.
Stop. Depression says.
Stop. Pain says.
Stop. Desire to die says.
Here is how diamonds are forged. Under pressure.
My offering to you is this:
I have loved myself out of my desire to die. I have sat with each torn apart piece in my gut gathering it back into my heart’s compassionate love. Pieces that people usually have no time or no skill how to look for.
I have used Teal Swan’s shadow work method. Matt Kahn’s Love Revolution, Tantra Maat’s Working With Creation Exercises, and my own heart’s guidance. It is from this place that I offer this gift to you.
Unconditional love is a skill. It takes practice. Daily commitment. Discipline. Willingness to look at all the parts of you, misplaced in the misunderstandings of memories, cellular, blood, tears, heat.
This is how diamonds are forged.
How is it of use to you?
Having someone who understands what you are going through and gives you presence is an essential part of healing.
Having a perspective of unconditional acceptance of everything that you feel while observing it from a space of compassionate love helps you separate the essence of your being from the outside causes and circumstances of inner pain.
Pain has value because it points you into the direction of unfulfilled desires. You cannot have your desires fulfilled unless you know what they are, can you?
Fear has value because it points you away from a path that leads you away from your desired being fulfilled. Desires you have uncovered from loving your pain. However, it is important to distinguish between fear based on your current circumstances pointing you towards your desires and old fears. Two types of fear:
Fear that you should listen and pay attention, and
Fear that unfolds into gifts of joy.
I am running a course beginning August 1 to teach people how self love helps you heal.
Participants will be part of a private Facebook Group where they can share the results of weekly assignments in a safe environment.
For an overview of the course and to get to know me, please have a look at this playlist on YouTube. Depression is a Gift.
A community of people gathered together for a common intent is truly powerful. The intent of this course and group is to support and empower each other into loving ourselves unconditionally.
Subscription is 10GBP a month and covers costs and time of the teacher. Subscription billing cycle is monthly and discontinues once you decide you are strong enough to go on your own.
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at any time.