Desire to f* things up or self sabotage

Who are you?

A being that is an expression of divinity interacting with other expressions of divinity. You are who you are and there is no way you can ever be other than what you are. People don’t change refers to the unchangeable nature of your core being.

What is illusory is the belief that we cannot change our behaviour thoughts or the way we feel. It’s comforting to the ego to know that it doesn’t have to change because it worked very long and hard to ensure your survival in a turbulent childhood filled with the world and private events of your childhood. That is how you survived. So to the aspect of you that protected you from pain, change means death.

Instead of bashing and fighting the ego, why don’t we honour and protect its role in our lives?

Why don’t we see it for the amazing helper that it is in the expression of your divinity? If you accept Donald Trump as divine, you can be kind to your ego.

The reason I say this now is because now we have moved into thriving.

I had a dream last night where three men were monkeying around distracting me from living my dreams which led me to chasing them away which led me to two more very unpleasant situations. Teal Swan recommends getting into the perspective of all the elements in your dreams to truly find resolution for it especially if it’s disturbing and keeps nagging at you messing up your joy , shame on you dream!

I’m joking.

Everything is here to serve you, even your nightmares.

Who were the men in the dream monkeying around?

My addictions (tobacco and coffee)

My laziness

My desire to f* things up

I asked each how they serve and did not judge myself when the realisation dawned in my body.

Because the title of this post is all about f*ing things up, self sabotage and the intent for today is to make money, some awareness of why things are the way they are in my life is in order because our lives always reflect our beliefs with an accuracy of 100%.

How’s that for no more victimhood and blaming others, huh? 😉

Bear in mind that now things just happen and I have no control except focus and willingness to fully thrive and fulfil my destiny of living the life of my dreams. That means loving everything in me and around me as an expression of that which gave me life!

Understanding is key to the open unfolding of my/your/our highest joyous fulfilment.

How does desire to f* things up serve me? Identify that desire within you, it’s there, it’s the reason we don’t live in paradise yet. We’ll get there but first let’s love everything about where we are right now because it will go away and we will be left saying at the end of our lives “I wish I loved more”.

Now is my/your/our chance! Yay!

So how does my/your/our desire to f* things up serve me/you/us? Go on, don’t be shy, it’s just you.

Survive. Be like others to belong in group; be part of this world that hurts everyone that is different with jealousy and anger and righteous violence in the name of a god that only they seem to have access to.

Be able to work with teams of different people at different levels in fear greed based structures of corporations destroying the world for profit while no alternatives that can sustain and maintain themselves have been built allowing people to thrive while healing themselves and the world around them.

My exploration of this service is just beginning.

I’m curious if it resonates with you and what your answers are.

We are one.


I have identified the root cause of my self sabotage and let me tell you that a more loving protector, a more efficient and effective servant I have yet to encounter.

Remember that everything is here to serve your incarnation. Every single person you meet, situation or conflict, love or relationship you get into is here to serve your highest most efficient soul blueprint for this life and I say soul blueprint and not awakening because not every soul may want to awaken in this life and that’s ok.

So my self sabotage comes from my survival program that got me from the day I was born to right here right now in the most effective, energy efficient way possible where nothing unnecessary is ever done no matter how much my mind insists for it to be done.

Example: I know that I am living a life of joy and joy has led me to nurture and try new things that I’ve always wanted to do and never allowed myself to do.

Then I feel the effects of this nurture – from the food I eat, the water with vinegar that I drink and my body is getting stronger and has energy and most importantly- I have joy in my belly like a constant hum that powers up my movement.

So so so unfamiliar! What the f is this? Joy??? Me experiencing joy in my belly for no reason other than because I am alive has been forgotten. Just being excited about my life and everything I’m doing at the moment and so happy to be even able to share this joy with you? And other aspects of my life aligning with joy, my money, my love life, my friends?

Not necessary for survival. So it kicks in tires screeching to a halt into a stop of this is more energy you’ve ever had to handle and more positive experiences than warrant my(the program’s) survival so stop right there or I am no longer useful.

Now, this program is old. It has the wisdom of lifetimes of survival on this planet. It’s karma. I wrote a book about karma in Karma the Assassin Book One. That’s when it began for me aside from a previous lifetime that is on a higher dimension than 3D so not relevant at this time.

What to do with karma? Do you know?