Desire to f* things up or self sabotage

Who are you?

A being that is an expression of divinity interacting with other expressions of divinity. You are who you are and there is no way you can ever be other than what you are. People don’t change refers to the in changeable nature of your core being.

What is illusory is the belief that we cannot change our behaviour thoughts or the way we feel. It’s comforting to the ego to know that it doesn’t have to change because it worked very long and hard to ensure your survival in a turbulent childhood filled with the world and private events of your childhood. That is how you survived. So to the aspect of you that protected you from pain, change means a death.

Instead of bashing and fighting the ego, why don’t we honour and protect its role in our lives?

Why don’t we see it for the amazing helper that it is in the expression of your divinity? If you accept Donald Trump as divine, you can be kind to your ego.

The reason I say this now is because now we have moved into thriving.

I had a dream last night where three men were monkeying around distracting me from living my dreams which led me to chasing them away which led me to two more very unpleasant situations. Teal Swan recommends getting into the perspective of all the elements in your dreams to truly find resolution for it especially if it’s disturbing and keeps nagging at you messing up your joy , shame on you dream!

I’m joking.

Everything is here to serve you, even your nightmares.

Who were the men in the dream monkeying around?

My addictions (tobacco and coffee)

My laziness

My desire to f* things up

I asked each how they serve and did not judge myself when the realisation dawned in my body.

Because the title of this post is all about f*ing things up, self sabotage and the intent for today is to make money, some awareness of why things are the way they are in my life is in order because our lives always reflect our beliefs with an accuracy of 100%.

How’s that for no more victimhood and blaming others, huh? 😉

Bear in mind that now things just happen and I have no control except focus and willingness to fully thrive and fulfil my destiny of living the life of my dreams. That means loving everything in me and around me as an expression of that which gave me life!

Understanding is key to the open unfolding of my/your/our highest joyous fulfilment.

How does desire to f* things up serve me? Identify that desire within you, it’s there, it’s the reason we don’t live in paradise yet. We’ll get there but first let’s love everything about where we are right now because it will go away and we will be left saying at the end of our lives “I wish I loved more”.

Now is my/your/our chance! Yay!

So how does my/your/our desire to f* things up serve me/you/us? Go on, don’t be shy, it’s just you.

Survive. Be like others to belong in group; be part of this world that hurts everyone that is different with jealousy and anger and righteous violence in the name of god that only they seem to have access to.

Be able to work with teams of different people at different levels in fear greed based structures of corporations destroying the world for profit while no alternatives that can sustain and maintain themselves have been built allowing people to thrive while healing themselves and the world around them.

My exploration of this service is just beginning.

I’m curious if it resonates with you and what your answers are.

We are one.


Life experiment for the rest of my life beginning three days ago and now this

It’s a new world here now.

The Splitting of the worlds – google it – happened. There is a LOT of info out there on how and why it happened and what is the result.

I only know that I’ve been holding on to my pants and really digging into everything that’s scary in this moment and it turns out that I can exist with the most uncomfortable of emotions and still feel joyful.

It was something I happened upon and let me tell you it was unplanned and completely uncontrolled – it just happened. New world characteristic- completely new things happen all the time. Open is not the word to be with it it’s present. Like in the moment at all times because the flow of the new completely washes out the old. It’s good to swim in it 🙂

I sat down to meditate and that is always a good idea and based on my experience with meditation I was prepared for a ride and new unexpected insights but I was not even remotely clued into what happened next.

“Just be joyful” were there in me those words arising out of nowhere. I know this sentence is grammatically incorrect it’s how it comes this new energy, non linear. In chunks of information streamed constantly!

Ok. What followed was a breathing technique where you breathe in joy and along with the exhale you send it to all the parts in your body and then when the body is nice and relaxed, you send the feeling of joy to all the emotions that arise in you, all thoughts.

Breathe in and feel joy. Then guide your breath to wherever joy comes from in your body. For me it’s the chest area but maybe for you it can be your brain or lungs or belly if you’re lucky 😉 it will fill your body with relaxation and you’ll smile. Hi 😉 keep going. There will be a thought that will stop it. Breathe in joy and send it to that thought anyway.

See it release. Keep going. Wherever any emotion is located that is not immediately identifiable as joy , send joy to it anyway.

It will become a conscious choice, a commitment to be joyful no matter what happens in your body; no matter what other feelings arise, no matter how important or urgent or what memories they bring or how attractive or sticky they feel, you choose joy anyway and send it to all of them.

For four hours. I did that for four hours in this wonderful new space and I didn’t even notice the time because the alchemy of it felt so good so amazing so full of insight into my present.

And. Now. The purpose of this post. The gist of it. Well lately it has come to my attention that marketers and big companies use our basic lizard brain to sell more products and services and I always thought people were aware of this fact but it turns out they aren’t. The emotions they use are: fear guilt greed and exclusivity.

That’s your luxury market.

And it never sat right with me. I want to run a business but I don’t want to use fear or greed or exclusivity to make people buy my products.

I wanted to appeal to other emotions I want people to feel good buying and using my services but how do I do that of they don’t know that a. It it used and b. They have a choice?

So i had my answer while I was lying joyful for hours. That the basic emotions, the new ones should be




Service .

Only buy and do things out of those emotions. As a true scientist I am testing it on myself first for side effects hihihi.

Since then I have added new emotions to my list. Like abundance and inspiration and awe and pride and I would appreciate your suggestions because I am willing to find and experiment creating and spending my LIFE living those emotions.



Basketball is fun and deeply satisfying. Any game that creates the conditions for physics formulas to run through my head is a winner in my books. The trajectory of the ball hitting my hand, the sheer possibility of turning that energy that hits my hand and direct it towards where I want it to go – martial arts take second place to this much fun!

And when you score a clean shot – ah, nothing quite like it!

It’s even better than I imagined it when I was prepping to pitch my idea to VCs and tried to get into winner mode.

And, there’s more!

Playing with a partner anticipating where they will be when you pass the ball, calculation trajectory- I have a lot to learn and practice but tonight’s first foray into the game is just so fertile with business friendly lessons! I love playing basketball.

I’m a natural as scoring!

Good idea that was! I’m glad I took this challenge on.


When the war is over

What war? You ask.

I have no war. I am at peace with my fear.

It’s not mine, this fear.

I did not create it, like I did not create the Earth

or the ocean for that matter.

I am just a human.

Cheekily laughing

at clouds that frame the full moon making it look like the eye of the dragon.

It happened last night, when no one was looking, except three pairs of eyes.

What riddles are these? You ask.

We take fear so seriously and in our fear to die.

Or desire to die.

Never truly live.

I thought this was about war? You say.

I make it a question so you don’t have to. 😉

The war within your being when you think holy means something, anything that is outside your life.

Or body for that matter.

Every breath you are given, receive.

It is holy.

When you dance at a club with others in cohoots.

That is holy.

Every step you take on this Earth that rises to meet you.

Is holy.

And emails are no exception.

Mundane is holy in disguise.

Superficial is God laughing at itself.

When you stop believing the lie that holy means serious or other or anything exclusive of anyone.

What if I told you everyone you meet is god’s image appearing on the canvas of your life just to see what happens?

The war is over.


You are doing your best, I am doing my best, we are all doing our best.


I’ve been given another chance at life. As mentioned in my Depression is a Gift intro, this year has been a year of healing my desire to die.

Desire to die is layered, tied into an experience of life where no one sees you, no one truly understands you and you don’t know howto see or understand yourself.

I have been given another chance at life and I count moments of true intimacy as gifts because that is how I know I made the right choice. I could not have experienced these moments if I had taken my life back then.

Talking with a dear friend whose point of view on life is –

Life is good and the bad stuff is temporary –

As opposed to my own –

Life is hell and the good stuff is rare and far between –

Has made me aware that I have a choice. In every moment, I have a choice to either love and be grateful and truly see life as a gift 


Insist on believing that my pain, fear and trauma is all there is to my life. 

Back when I was loving my pain, I have written over 70,000 words on my existential crisis. I was asked to look beyond the pain.

This is what I saw:

And no matter how much I may seem like a victim, I know exactly what I am doing and why I am doing it. All I need to do is remember and trust my reasons for doing some things and not others.

It is never other people’s fault.

It is always your choice. Believe me, I know how irritating it is to stop blaming others for your problems because it’s so much harder to truly face yourself than take the easy way out.

Facing yourself doesn’t mean beating yourself up.

Facing yourself means loving all those unsavoury bits of behaviour, emotions, and thoughts that conflict with the idea you have of yourself as a ‘good’ person.

When I do that, I can forgive myself.

When I can forgive myself, I can forgive others.

When you stop trying to fix what you don’t like in the world – you can focus on giving to the world.

Your best.

As you have always done.

Can you love yourself that much?

Right now, you are doing your best.

I trust that you did not wake up this morning wanting to slack through life as if you didn’t know the gift it truly is.

You know it is a gift.

Feeling the way you feel, you are doing your best.

Doing what you are doing, is your best today.

It is enough.

I honor that you want to do better. I see how hard you try to do better.

I wish I felt good all the time too.

So today, right now, let’s rest.

Trusting each other.

To do our best.


Essence of core

When I asked myself yesterday why I decided to come to this planet at this time, there was a lot of saviour energy – an illusion that people need to be saved from suffering. It is my most difficult obstacle to overcome – this belief. It stems from ego. No one needs to be saved. If no one needs to be saved, then what is my purpose? Who and how do I serve if I cannot save anyone?

It points me straight to the joy of creating what I want to create and the immediate no one will want this, no one will see this as valuable kind of fear. Grounded, I might add in my life’s experience.

If I do not suffer for my life, then how valuable is it? How can I relieve the suffering of others if I do not know what it is in my life?

We connect through suffering. We connect through a shared experience of pain. We are used to connecting over our shared fears or indignities. We connect through judging and rejecting others. None of that works for me anymore. Does not resonate. No flow. No tingling with the sensation of feeling alive or empowered.

I used to be told ‘get real’. Come back to reality. People are evil and no one cares about you.

Imagine my surprise when I found people who did care, were kind and most importantly, wanted me in their life! I looked for reasons to deserve it and pay them back. Must be something wrong with them, I concluded, and did my best to push them away.

Annoyingly, they stayed.

Essence of core then is to be who you are. Love your dreams relentlessly and take steps to their fulfilment in every moment of every day. Not because they will take you somewhere, you are already there, silly! Because your dreams are who you are.

Sharing your dream, the song of your soul is how you will connect with others who will share theirs with you.

The intimacy of shared dreams is much more expansive than the intimacy of shared pain.

Shared dreams expand your reality into moving towards more joy. The joy of realising your dream. The joy of supporting others in realising theirs. And mastery. True mastery and dedication to the path of heart, the effort of daily work on your dream, the expertise of that is its own reward.


The Princess, the Wizard, and the Dragon excerpt reading

Imagine a world where wizards run around threatening princesses with violence for saying ‘no’.

What kind of princess do you have to be in order to not have this happen to you?

And, if, a wizard does knock on your castle’s door, and you don’t like him; how do you respond?

What happens to your castle when a dragon lands on its roof offering protection?

This is your home. You have nowhere to run or hide.

Where do you find the courage to stand up for what is yours? And who will help you?

What kind of heroine are you? Damsel or fighter? Rose is a fighter. Read about how she deals with threats to her life. And tell others that a new reality is rising.

A world where princesses learn how to fight.

Download the story instantly to your reading device here.



The Princess, the Wizard, and the Dragon