Be. A coming out story

This is a coming out story.

I’m a man-woman. I do not want to give birth to a human being, my body is not designed for easy and painless delivery and doesn’t really want to go through the experience of childbirth. I know of other lesbian women who do and that gives me tickles. 🙂

I have a mind that I used to live a woman- woman life and while efficient, it made me miserable. I felt like I was living someone else’s life in my body.

Course correction can look a lot like devastation. But , your true nature will claim what’s yours no matter what you think of yourself.

Or how much you believe things or you should be.

What’s not the Way soon dies – I’m into Lao Tzu these days! It describes it perfectly – what’s not true to your original nature dies. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable. And you just KNOW it’s not it.

The journey to knowing is like looking at your life witnessing its unfolding like a human being similar to plants growing from seed but different because we’re mammals 🙂 I always know how to grow to the next step!

Some things I was born knowing. Others come to me on a need to know basis. And there’s no right way. No normal way. There is only your way. What feels good to you.

I was born into abundance and goodness for all! I was born knowing it is here. And I did not give up this knowledge no matter how hard “reality” tried to convince me otherwise!

What my experience taught me is that the pain we feel, the fear we experience is our yearning to live the fullness of life but we are so entrenched in believing the pain and fear, we forgot to look for easier options to accomplish anything.

I had forgotten too and what do you know! My Way companion, Lori Thomas struggled with struggle 😉 and found me in pain and gave me her solution!

You always receive exactly what you need to unfold! Almost immediately. Almost because we still live in physical reality and we need ‘time’ to live it. Time is a tool, like gravity.

Anyway, Lori Thomas.

Powerful. She is a powerful woman and becoming more powerful by the second. Definitely worth knowing and loving! What an unfolding, her journey! Magnificent to behold. 🙂

My identity has been shaped by adults in my life because I had forgotten who I was, I did this thing where I mimic them to belong.

As I admit to having a man part within me, I can look at the men I know and learn how to be a good one.

But it’s still has to come from me. Men’s spiritual journey that I feel best about is into the heart.

Other men of power helped me as well. Rama. Matt Kahn. Carl Rodriguez. All my male employees! My male bosses. Men in my life that I learned how to balance my inner man from. It was very unbalanced and under developed, poor thing!

I’m feeling like a 13 year old boy these days before hitting puberty and let me tell you I have learned some really bad habits when it comes to dealing with women.

Being in a woman’s body, a woman in part, makes it even more confusing.

Fortunately, I feel loved and that allows my natural innocence to blossom. Sexual energy is so twisted by my inner male feeling of inadequacy and sadness at not being seen as inherently good. I don’t see men as inherently good so my inner man acts out in pain from such a harsh judgement.

For that, I forgive myself. I am inherently good. Men are inherently good.

The woman in me is learning to be worthy of her ease. The man in me is learning to be vulnerable from his heart. Together, they are blooming in their innocence! Shedding tears of forgiveness and longing to finally come to balance satisfied.

Learning from all the lessons of imbalance. Grateful for the light of god guiding gently away from illusion into fullness of love, eternal.

All is forgiven, all is forgotten. All is forgiven, all is forgotten. All is forgiven, all is forgotten. Home is here.

You never left home. Breathe. Receive. Heaven is our home.

How do I know?

I’m living it.

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The life you desire

Manifesting the life of your dreams is all the rage these days – thank god we are awakening to our power!

If you, like me, are in pain and frustration over your manifestations, consider them both a guiding light towards a course correction.

Most people want money first. They never question why.

If I had money I would … I would do something … something .., it’s on the tip of my belly…

it used to be watch TV shows all day. It used to be nothing. It used to be move to a house. It used to be go dancing.

As soon I have done those things the money ran out. Why?

Money exists to support the life you desire.

Because money is a tool to support your individual life and when you run out of experiences that set your body on fire to experience, life runs out of you and you want to figure out why.

I looked at my pain and I realised that what I want is new and I don’t know how to even voice it because I’ve been holding my desires secret, hidden, in – for so long, I forgot how to live them.

I can love my life again but I forgot how.

I will remember. Why should you care that I remember what my desires are? Maybe we share the same desires and can co-create them together. Maybe you are stuck too and we can figure this out together. Together, we are the way.

If you want to remember with me, follow me on Facebook and star my posts or I may get lost in your feed. Facebook is changing algorithms all the time!

In the meantime, here’s a video on using pain to course correct your journey. Enjoy course correcting!

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I sing this song for comfort and relief

I walk the streets at night

And watch the light in windows

Streaming out in shades of warmth

Beckoning me home.

I seek out strangers’ faces

Their eyes alight with purpose.

How did they become so sure,

So certain

Of their lives?

Inside a storm is raging.

The wine just isn’t helping.

How can I be? How can I be

Anyone else but me?

Tell me.

How can I be? How can I be

Anyone else but me?

Change of tone and rhythm. High octave singing.

You are always loved

You are always home

You are always known as you.

Who can pry away your gentle heart?

What you seek outside is you.

In your darkest hour,

In your deepest pain,

When you’re torn apart with longing.

You will hear a voice

Whispering like rain,

Calling out your name inside.

And that voice will be

Your soul’s greatest triumph,

Rising up in symphony.

You are always loved.

You are always home.

You are always known as you.

Who can pry away your

Big Brave Heart?

What you seek outside is you.

What you seek

Outside

Is

You.

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Desire to f* things up or self sabotage

Who are you?

A being that is an expression of divinity interacting with other expressions of divinity. You are who you are and there is no way you can ever be other than what you are. People don’t change refers to the unchangeable nature of your core being.

What is illusory is the belief that we cannot change our behaviour thoughts or the way we feel. It’s comforting to the ego to know that it doesn’t have to change because it worked very long and hard to ensure your survival in a turbulent childhood filled with the world and private events of your childhood. That is how you survived. So to the aspect of you that protected you from pain, change means death.

Instead of bashing and fighting the ego, why don’t we honour and protect its role in our lives?

Why don’t we see it for the amazing helper that it is in the expression of your divinity? If you accept Donald Trump as divine, you can be kind to your ego.

The reason I say this now is because now we have moved into thriving.

I had a dream last night where three men were monkeying around distracting me from living my dreams which led me to chasing them away which led me to two more very unpleasant situations. Teal Swan recommends getting into the perspective of all the elements in your dreams to truly find resolution for it especially if it’s disturbing and keeps nagging at you messing up your joy , shame on you dream!

I’m joking.

Everything is here to serve you, even your nightmares.

Who were the men in the dream monkeying around?

My addictions (tobacco and coffee)

My laziness

My desire to f* things up

I asked each how they serve and did not judge myself when the realisation dawned in my body.

Because the title of this post is all about f*ing things up, self sabotage and the intent for today is to make money, some awareness of why things are the way they are in my life is in order because our lives always reflect our beliefs with an accuracy of 100%.

How’s that for no more victimhood and blaming others, huh? 😉

Bear in mind that now things just happen and I have no control except focus and willingness to fully thrive and fulfil my destiny of living the life of my dreams. That means loving everything in me and around me as an expression of that which gave me life!

Understanding is key to the open unfolding of my/your/our highest joyous fulfilment.

How does desire to f* things up serve me? Identify that desire within you, it’s there, it’s the reason we don’t live in paradise yet. We’ll get there but first let’s love everything about where we are right now because it will go away and we will be left saying at the end of our lives “I wish I loved more”.

Now is my/your/our chance! Yay!

So how does my/your/our desire to f* things up serve me/you/us? Go on, don’t be shy, it’s just you.

Survive. Be like others to belong in group; be part of this world that hurts everyone that is different with jealousy and anger and righteous violence in the name of a god that only they seem to have access to.

Be able to work with teams of different people at different levels in fear greed based structures of corporations destroying the world for profit while no alternatives that can sustain and maintain themselves have been built allowing people to thrive while healing themselves and the world around them.

My exploration of this service is just beginning.

I’m curious if it resonates with you and what your answers are.

We are one.

Update:

I have identified the root cause of my self sabotage and let me tell you that a more loving protector, a more efficient and effective servant I have yet to encounter.

Remember that everything is here to serve your incarnation. Every single person you meet, situation or conflict, love or relationship you get into is here to serve your highest most efficient soul blueprint for this life and I say soul blueprint and not awakening because not every soul may want to awaken in this life and that’s ok.

So my self sabotage comes from my survival program that got me from the day I was born to right here right now in the most effective, energy efficient way possible where nothing unnecessary is ever done no matter how much my mind insists for it to be done.

Example: I know that I am living a life of joy and joy has led me to nurture and try new things that I’ve always wanted to do and never allowed myself to do.

Then I feel the effects of this nurture – from the food I eat, the water with vinegar that I drink and my body is getting stronger and has energy and most importantly- I have joy in my belly like a constant hum that powers up my movement.

So so so unfamiliar! What the f is this? Joy??? Me experiencing joy in my belly for no reason other than because I am alive has been forgotten. Just being excited about my life and everything I’m doing at the moment and so happy to be even able to share this joy with you? And other aspects of my life aligning with joy, my money, my love life, my friends?

Not necessary for survival. So it kicks in tires screeching to a halt into a stop of this is more energy you’ve ever had to handle and more positive experiences than warrant my(the program’s) survival so stop right there or I am no longer useful.

Now, this program is old. It has the wisdom of lifetimes of survival on this planet. It’s karma. I wrote a book about karma in Karma the Assassin Book One. That’s when it began for me aside from a previous lifetime that is on a higher dimension than 3D so not relevant at this time.

What to do with karma? Do you know?

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Life experiment for the rest of my life beginning three days ago and now this

It’s a new world here now.

The Splitting of the worlds – google it – happened. There is a LOT of info out there on how and why it happened and what is the result.

I only know that I’ve been holding on to my pants and really digging into everything that’s scary in this moment and it turns out that I can exist with the most uncomfortable of emotions and still feel joyful.

It was something I happened upon and let me tell you it was unplanned and completely uncontrolled – it just happened. New world characteristic- completely new things happen all the time. Open is not the word to be with it it’s present. Like in the moment at all times because the flow of the new completely washes out the old. It’s good to swim in it 🙂

I sat down to meditate and that is always a good idea and based on my experience with meditation I was prepared for a ride and new unexpected insights but I was not even remotely clued into what happened next.

“Just be joyful” were there in me those words arising out of nowhere. I know this sentence is grammatically incorrect it’s how it comes this new energy, non linear. In chunks of information streamed constantly!

Ok. What followed was a breathing technique where you breathe in joy and along with the exhale you send it to all the parts in your body and then when the body is nice and relaxed, you send the feeling of joy to all the emotions that arise in you, all thoughts.

Breathe in and feel joy. Then guide your breath to wherever joy comes from in your body. For me it’s the chest area but maybe for you it can be your brain or lungs or belly if you’re lucky 😉 it will fill your body with relaxation and you’ll smile. Hi 😉 keep going. There will be a thought that will stop it. Breathe in joy and send it to that thought anyway.

See it release. Keep going. Wherever any emotion is located that is not immediately identifiable as joy , send joy to it anyway.

It will become a conscious choice, a commitment to be joyful no matter what happens in your body; no matter what other feelings arise, no matter how important or urgent or what memories they bring or how attractive or sticky they feel, you choose joy anyway and send it to all of them.

For four hours. I did that for four hours in this wonderful new space and I didn’t even notice the time because the alchemy of it felt so good so amazing so full of insight into my present.

And. Now. The purpose of this post. The gist of it. Well lately it has come to my attention that marketers and big companies use our basic lizard brain to sell more products and services and I always thought people were aware of this fact but it turns out they aren’t. The emotions they use are: fear guilt greed and exclusivity.

That’s your luxury market.

And it never sat right with me. I want to run a business but I don’t want to use fear or greed or exclusivity to make people buy my products.

I wanted to appeal to other emotions I want people to feel good buying and using my services but how do I do that of they don’t know that a. It it used and b. They have a choice?

So i had my answer while I was lying joyful for hours. That the basic emotions, the new ones should be

Joy

Love

Fun

Service .

Only buy and do things out of those emotions. As a true scientist I am testing it on myself first for side effects hihihi.

Since then I have added new emotions to my list. Like abundance and inspiration and awe and pride and I would appreciate your suggestions because I am willing to find and experiment creating and spending my LIFE living those emotions.

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When the war is over

What war? You ask.

I have no war. I am at peace with my fear.

It’s not mine, this fear.

I did not create it, like I did not create the Earth

or the ocean for that matter.

I am just a human.

Cheekily laughing

at clouds that frame the full moon making it look like the eye of the dragon.

It happened last night, when no one was looking, except three pairs of eyes.

What riddles are these? You ask.

We take fear so seriously and in our fear to die.

Or desire to die.

Never truly live.

I thought this was about war? You say.

I make it a question so you don’t have to. 😉

The war within your being when you think holy means something, anything that is outside your life.

Or body for that matter.

Every breath you are given, receive.

It is holy.

When you dance at a club with others in cohoots.

That is holy.

Every step you take on this Earth that rises to meet you.

Is holy.

And emails are no exception.

Mundane is holy in disguise.

Superficial is God laughing at itself.

When you stop believing the lie that holy means serious or other or anything exclusive of anyone.

What if I told you everyone you meet is god’s image appearing on the canvas of your life just to see what happens?

The war is over.

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You are doing your best, I am doing my best, we are all doing our best.

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I’ve been given another chance at life. As mentioned in my Depression is a Gift intro, this year has been a year of healing my desire to die.

Desire to die is layered, tied into an experience of life where no one sees you, no one truly understands you and you don’t know howto see or understand yourself.

I have been given another chance at life and I count moments of true intimacy as gifts because that is how I know I made the right choice. I could not have experienced these moments if I had taken my life back then.

Talking with a dear friend whose point of view on life is –

Life is good and the bad stuff is temporary –

As opposed to my own –

Life is hell and the good stuff is rare and far between –

Has made me aware that I have a choice. In every moment, I have a choice to either love and be grateful and truly see life as a gift 

or

Insist on believing that my pain, fear and trauma is all there is to my life. 

Back when I was loving my pain, I have written over 70,000 words on my existential crisis. I was asked to look beyond the pain.

This is what I saw:

And no matter how much I may seem like a victim, I know exactly what I am doing and why I am doing it. All I need to do is remember and trust my reasons for doing some things and not others.

It is never other people’s fault.

It is always your choice. Believe me, I know how irritating it is to stop blaming others for your problems because it’s so much harder to truly face yourself than take the easy way out.

Facing yourself doesn’t mean beating yourself up.

Facing yourself means loving all those unsavoury bits of behaviour, emotions, and thoughts that conflict with the idea you have of yourself as a ‘good’ person.

When I do that, I can forgive myself.

When I can forgive myself, I can forgive others.

When you stop trying to fix what you don’t like in the world – you can focus on giving to the world.

Your best.

As you have always done.

Can you love yourself that much?

Right now, you are doing your best.

I trust that you did not wake up this morning wanting to slack through life as if you didn’t know the gift it truly is.

You know it is a gift.

Feeling the way you feel, you are doing your best.

Doing what you are doing, is your best today.

It is enough.

I honor that you want to do better. I see how hard you try to do better.

I wish I felt good all the time too.

So today, right now, let’s rest.

Trusting each other.

To do our best.

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